well, fuck that, as always

I have found a situation worse than facing rejection (fore note: I embrace rejection, rejection is always better than say nothing at all), the feeling of inadequacy, even when you know you are so much (way more) better than this (whatever ‘this’ means).

I am capable of giving, providing so much more - way more and by that I mean whatever money can’t ever buy and it will make others envious of you and I say this with extreme confidence. 

When I was much younger, I was taught that if you love someone, you spend more on someone. And then at 18, in the worst possible manner, I learnt that such acts are unacceptable because “you don’t buy friends with money.” The older I get, the more I realized how material mean lesser to me.

I don’t want frivolous displays of love and affection, I am unfazed by those things because I could have afforded those shit myself. I would be happy, sure I would be, but if you loved me, if you really loved me, you’d give me something that I can’t get myself, something I want, something that only you can give to me.

And I don’t know how or when, but suddenly money = love is making a comeback.

It makes me upset because I feel like a fucking idiot.

ARGH FUCK THIS SHIT.