Friend/ Love

For the uninitiated, Proposal Daisakusen is one of the draggiest fucking drama in Jpop history but people will watch it anyway because of Yamashita Tomohisa (yamapi! at least that’s why I did!), and it hits close to home because everyone could relate to the whole “i-wanna-turn-back-time” thingamagic or simply falling in love with your best friend that you can never have, no thanks to timing and what not.

It is not a good drama to watch if you overthink everything. It makes you overly emotional and makes you think too much about your past, and I must stress this: the past is a place I won’t encourage anyone to visit unless one is on the verge of dying or when he/she is presented with the words “we need to talk.”

One of the worst situations I’ve found myself in of my 23 years of existence would have to be being in love with my friend and that we’ll always be friends. Forever. And I’ll have to live with that constant pain knowing that I’ll be at his wedding and him at mine. (Note: I am out of that already and thank GOD I don’t give a fuck bout him anymore. You just grow out of things and you move on.)

I’ve always thought I knew when I’ve fallen in love. I always thought I would know when I’ve met the one. I thought maybe there’d be a sign, or maybe it’d be so jarring that I would realize it even if I didn’t want to. Or maybe my heart will pump so damn quickly I’ll feel like I am dying and living at the same time.

I’ve written so much shit here and it seems almost like I got it all under control but really, I really have no idea and I didn’t know that I was that clueless until today.

Perhaps happiness, love, “the one” isn’t one that makes me paralyzed from my extreme heart palpitations. Maybe falling in love isn’t something that happens with your knowledge. And maybe, just maybe, you don’t even know you’ve done it until you are presented with the idea of being at said person’s wedding.

I don’t really know what things are anymore and I don’t think I’d like to find out because like Life, you just can’t define certain things. I can define friend zones, bro-dom, close friends, friends with benefits, fuck buddies, gray areas, etc but no one has a definite criteria of what is considered to be Love.

What I’m really saying is that different people bring me different happiness and I really don’t know what sort of happiness is the best for me. I am happy with whomever and really, anyone I like can make me happy. The deciding factor would have to be my inability to do without this person that makes all the difference in the world, I think.

As much as I hate to admit this because of how awfully time consuming it is, I have to admit that Love really, really requires time. It is not something that I can rush even if I wanted to and believe me, I have tried. Too many times.

A lot of people I know get into a relationship when they’ve spotted someone they like and someone they know they want to be with. I have tried that but really, it isn’t a formula I could use.

I really need to fall in love with someone who is also my best friend which is always tricky like fuck because if Friend-Zone was a jail, I would be a repeat-offender. That was a bad example. I AM JUST ALWAYS THERE LIKE I BELONG THERE ARGHASIHAISHAIOS

-_- The day I fall in love with my best friend and he reciprocates, you’d be sure that I’d be pasting Jason Mraz’s “Lucky” all over my diary, my twitter, my tumblr, my Facebook, and God forbid, my wedding invitation card. HAHAHAHAHHAHA -_- no it won’t happen.

If I have to go through another round of Proposal Daisakusen-esque drama, you can also be sure that I’d hike up, atop the Bukit Timah Hill to scream for someone to fuck my life because it is so fuckable it might as well be a prostitute. -_-“

AH MAH GAD, IT CAN’T HAPPEN.