resistance is futile

1. I’ve heard enough disapproving comments bout you to see myself attempting to shove a shoe down my throat out of pure embarrassment (I do that too much - not the shoe-shoving - I am always embarrassed of the people I used to be infatuated with when I’ve “sobered up”), but, as always, those things do nothing to me. Just as I would to nasty comments of my friends, I refuse to entertain such thoughts until I do realize it myself.

And while most of them think you’re not for me because we’re so different (has anyone realized that I always fall for guys that are totally different from me? Weird), the only thing that made me happy was them remarking how you’re capable of making me happy. And that’s what matters. Aww :’)

2. Spent 4 days thinking this through and as disgusting and out-of-character this might be, I will admit that you are right - I will accept your flowers and be extremely happy bout them if you gave them to me and only because you gave them to me. I will even hug the stuffed bear, give it a name and take 10,000 pictures with it if you gave me one.

It annoys me very much how you say it with so much certainty that I’d “love it for sure if you gave it to me”. Am I supposed to admit this to you and I both that you have, indeed, got me wrapped ‘round your finger?

3. I know what I’m in for and by your definition, I know very well that I’m on my own. I have always made my own choices on the context that I can handle the consequences, however wrong my choices might be.

It is tiring to reason out with myself day in and out what not to do considering how I’ve always done whatever I wanted. I’ll give you the comfort you need, I’ll be the rebound, I’ll be whatever you want me to be and I don’t give a fuck as long as you’re happy.

Do what you will. It’s better to love, to feel happy, to feel hurt, to feel and actually feel alive than to be safe, to keep myself in my safe bubble and let nothing hurt me while I continue to imagine days with you when I could choose to live it.

I have been hurt before and I have been hurt enough to know that it won’t kill me. What would kill me is myself. And I would kill me if I lived a life dreaming of could-have-beens doing could-have-been-dones.

4. I am so jaded. I cannot deal with this lifestyle.